ENEMIES AS FRIENDS
Anger, patience and the mind as a factor in happiness
"Desiring to destroy the source of one's suffering or desiring happiness by inflicting grief on another will never bring good. Happiness cannot be achieved in this way." (Aryasura, The Marvellous Companion)
The whole of Western consumer culture is basically one giant propaganda system persuading us that happiness can be achieved through the acquisition of products and services. Corporate capitalism depends on the creation of dissatisfaction - on vigorously attempted satisfaction but continued dissatisfaction. We need to be forever seeking something even better, even newer, or the same thing again. The system has to keep selling, has to keep persuading us to work hard producing products and services so that we can afford to buy the version of happiness it offers. Many of us go along with this without a thought, working and buying, producing and consuming, tirelessly. The evidence that this strategy actually works is elusive indeed - depression, suicide, anxiety, personal dissatisfaction and family break-ups have long been epidemic in our society.
Perhaps in part because of the ceaseless propaganda, we rush around attempting to buy happiness, giving barely a thought to the supposed recipient, or home, intended to accommodate this happiness - our minds. We are deeply preoccupied with getting the best possible partner, job, salary, house, car, holiday, and so on, but it never occurs to us that the 'ground' in which these happiness-producing 'seeds' are to be planted might be worthy of some consideration.
Is it possible, for example, that some minds might be more conducive to happiness than others? Do some people have habits of mind that make it easier for them to be happy? If so, is it possible that we might alter our mental habits to make them more like these minds? Is it possible for us to radically change our minds at all? If so, is it possible that we could so radically change our minds for the better that the endless range of products and services might become all but redundant? We can immediately see that this last thought is barely thinkable in the mainstream - it is truly the last thing the corporate system would ever want us to start thinking about.
First of all, there is a huge body of evidence, spanning centuries, that it is indeed possible to radically change the mind. Scientists have confirmed the arguments and experience of philosophers and meditators, ancient and modern, that thought and behaviour are reinforcing. For example, the more we get angry now, the more likely we are to get angry in the future. Professor Redford Williams of Duke University writes:
"You can learn to behave more kindly toward other people and, in the bargain, predispose them to treat you better, too. You can learn to rein in your anger before you lose control, to shorten the list of situations that arouse your ire. With continuing practice, you can eventually change your cynical perceptions of others." (Anger Kills - Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health, Professor Redford Williams and Virginia Williams, HarperPerennial, 1994, p.xviii)
Psychologist Carol Tavris notes:
"The repeated expression of anger is self-feeding: the more people express it, the more they express it, the more they learn to express it that way and the more likely they are to continue behaving that way. So it does feed on itself in that respect." (Carol Tavris, Social psychologist, who has spent 25 years researching the effects of anger, On The Edge, BBC1)
Likewise, the more tolerant, generous, loving and compassionate we are, the more likely we are to reproduce these emotions.
So assuming that it is possible to influence our states of mind, we need to consider which of them are more and less conducive to happiness. It seems clear that anger, irritability, bitterness and hatred are really awesome opponents of happiness - a mind filled with any of these emotions is simply incapable of experiencing happiness. The angry mind is very rough and spiky, like a thorn bush; it has none of the characteristics of the happy mind, which is smooth and sweet, like cream. We could begin, then, by considering whether it is possible to make our minds more conducive to happiness by reducing our tendency to become angry.
One of the main reasons we become angry as often as we do is that we think it is justified and even valuable. Although anger is painful, we believe it is something we need to endure if we are to defend our interests and achieve happiness. In fact we are perfectly capable of defending our interests without getting angry. When we get angry we lose control, incite anger in others, make enemies, alienate friends, and risk losing control of whatever situation we are in. It is also disastrous for our health:
"Getting angry is like taking a small dose of some slow-acting poison - arsenic, for example - every day of your life." (Williams and Williams, op., cit, p.xiii)
Using anger to solve problems is like carrying water in a baking tray - the presence of the water moving around the tray makes the container, the tray, inherently unstable and uncontrollable. Similarly, the presence of anger in the mind makes the container, the mind, inherently unstable - relying on anger turns the mind into something that is inherently unreliable. This is like taking our hands off the steering wheel, or offering it to a three-year-old, at a moment of crisis.
Very often anger is a completely pointless and irrational addition to a situation. If we are stuck in a traffic jam, getting angry achieves precisely nothing, other than making ourselves unhappy and damaging our health. It is like repeatedly finding that a phone number is engaged and responding by throwing a cup of boiling tea into our own face. It is literally absurd; there is no point to it - it is worse even than useless, because it has only negative effects, none that are positive.
There is another interesting reason why anger is most often a bad idea. A happy mind is a calm mind, one that is free of anger. We have probably all met people who are unusually patient, people who are able to meet trying situations with a calm, relaxed attitude, perhaps even a wry smile. These people are able to maintain their happiness in situations that make other people stressed and unhappy. These patient people are able to keep their minds supportive of happy states of mind.
The point about patience is that it is something that can be developed, like a muscle, by remembering the negative effects of anger and the positive effects of patience. This awareness needs to be slowly built up into a habit of mind. The more often and more sincerely we reflect on the relative merits and demerits of anger and patience, the more likely we are to build a force of habitual resistance to angry thoughts in difficult situations. Thinking in this way has little effect when we are already caught up in anger - anger has the effect of incinerating such valuable thoughts and making them powerless. But if we strengthen our basic attitude that believes anger is destructive, and particularly if we remember this at the onset of trying situations, perhaps when we are just beginning to get angry, then we can slowly begin to reduce the strength and frequency of anger, and so increase our patience. The mind is a stubborn animal and our habits are deeply entrenched, we should not expect rapid or immediate change. I myself, for example, have been quite hot-headed in the past. Although I believe I am less so now, I still get angry. As a writer, for example, I am prone to becoming irate if an editor rewrites my work without telling me - this tests my patience to the full.
But the fact of the matter is that just as we cannot increase our arm strength without lifting weights, so we cannot increase our patience without encountering irritating situations, and particularly irritating people. The latter, in fact, constitute a unique and extraordinary resource. If we really want to strengthen our patience, our calmness - the qualities that are powerfully conducive to the arising of a happy mind - then irritating people are tremendously valuable. It is difficult to learn real patience from encounters with inanimate objects - we struggle to really erupt at the rain, or at the hammer bouncing off our thumb, as there is no sense of conscious intention (the idea that really gets our goat). We cannot practise patience with our friends, families or doctors, or anyone else trying to help us, because these people are kind to us, not irritating at all. The only people who +really+ offer hope of strengthening our patience are irritating people, angry people - people who are truly annoying.
This may sound absurd because we believe that meeting these people merely makes us angry and doesn't help our patience at all. But when we first lift a heavy weight, we feel as though our arms have turned to jelly - it is as if the weight has made our arms weak and useless, rather than stronger. So why not stop lifting weights? If we continuously reflect on the negative consequences of anger and on the benefits of patience, and if on the basis of these thoughts we reflect on the benefits of troublesome people, over time we +can+ begin to see irritating people as beneficial rather than harmful, and so we can begin to radically increase our patience.
Imagine someone who had a mind that was always free from anger, irritability, bitterness and thoughts of revenge. Imagine someone who was able to deal with angry and aggressive people without getting angry. It would be so much easier for this person to feel happy in their day-to-day lives. Good things and pleasurable situations would of course be pleasurable, but normally difficult, stressful situations - receiving harsh criticism, dealing with anger, unkindness, thoughtlessness and irrationality in others - would be no problem. Able to remain calm and relaxed, this person would be like a piece of dry tinder - one spark of positivity or good feeling and he or she would light up with happiness. The angry person, by contrast, is like a wet rag - it will take an enormously positive event to dry the rag, to calm the mind, making it receptive to feelings of happiness. For the patient person, even a loving thought, a feeling of kindness towards someone - quite a subtle delight - is sufficient to give rise to feelings of happiness. For the angry person the pleasure of a kind thought or some other small positive feeling is completely swamped by the crashing waves of painful anger - for these people, subtle pleasures barely register at all.
The remarkable truth is that encountering foolish, irritating, petty, spiteful, vindictive, aggressive people does not have to be a bad thing; it can be a good thing, like encountering a form of human treasure. After all, we spend vast fortunes on extravagant luxuries in our quest for pleasure; annoying people offer us the chance to generate the kind of patience that makes happiness far more attainable for free. By using troublesome people to strengthen our patience and calm our minds, we can create a mental environment in which happiness can easily flourish. The people we normally consider our 'enemies' - people we imagine consciously intend to harm us - are a unique benefit, a kind of doorway to a happier life. Ironically, from this perspective our enemies can be seen to be infinitely more beneficial to us than the people we call our friends.
David Edwards, October 2002